The struggles of intimacy after children

Foreplay after kids?! Who has time? Get your pants down, Mickey Mouse Is about to end!

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It’s 12:26 pm on a Saturday and I’m in the kitchen cleaning the mess the boys made after lunchin’ on nuggets and fries. Smeared ketchup on their faces, fries all over the table, and sticky floors from spilled juice (you know the scene). My Mr. comes into the kitchen and gives me the look… and I don’t mean the “I got you, give me a rag and I’ll help you clean this up” look. Instead, I get the left eyebrow slightly up, half smirk, “my loins are yearning for you” look. Rather than feel sexy and hot, I give him a dirty side-eye look as if to say “they’re up and nap time is in 24 minutes… Really? You can’t wait??” Ugh!

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“Well, that was super sexy and inviting,” I think to myself sarcastically. Now he leaves feeling rejected while I stand there guilty and annoyed…. Nice job Farida.

 

No one ever told me how hard being intimate with my partner would be after kids. Maybe I read it somewhere and completely ignored it because we had a great sex life and that “wouldn’t be us” (yeah right!).

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Admittedly as I’ve aged, my libido hasn’t been as consistent as it was in my 20’s, even my early 30’s. For that reason, I don’t blame it just on the children (even though they definitely do contribute to a large part of my not “wanting” it as much as I did before). Maybe I should rephrase that. It’s not that I don’t WANT it… I do. It’s that I’m exhausted, the time is never right and there’s 4 little eyes always watching. As if that weren’t enough, don’t even get me started on my body image issues…

 

The Mr. has always had a healthy appetite for the “doings”. After talking to most of my married and hooked up friends, it seems that most men do. But my hubby just seems to always be hungry…. Can you imagine the pressure?

 

Two Ships Passing in the Night

In addition to both of us having full-time jobs, he also has his own business. It seems when he’s coming, I’m going… and then, unfortunately, most times no one’s cumming 😉

He and I are super goal-oriented. When we got together, it was acknowledged that accelerating our careers was important. We didn’t see each other as much as couples should but when we did it was all good… real good. When we got married before the cubs, he always emphasized how he didn’t want “things” to change… Being naïve, I always responded “no way babe, nothing is changing. I got you!” …Wrong!

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Here comes Farida with a Baby Carriage…

Almost immediately, we knew we wanted children together… But as life would have it, we struggled in our journey to parenthood. As a result, having sex became almost a chore: scheduled, documented, planned. We now had another stressor in our lives and as we all know, stress and angst are not necessarily sexy. With that, all of the things that had made us gravitate toward each other for intimacy in the past became almost nonexistent. We weren’t sleeping and some days we preferred some shut eye more than the nookie.

I tried, I swear… I’d buy the little lingerie but never wear it. Listen, when we have 10 minutes for the Deed, ain’t nobody got time to go change. At night after the kids went to bed, I mentally had all these plans for the “doings” but I physically felt like I had just run a marathon and no one was at the finish line cheering me on. The exhaustion I had after a long day at the office, rushing home to spend quality time with the kids, cleaning up after said quality time would creep into my mind. I thought, “who has energy for the karma sutra? Shit, NOT ME!” As a result, the relationship was strained in moments because he needed that…unknowingly, I did too.

For me, his way of showing that he loved me was by bathing the kids and throwing out the garbage without being told. The horizontal mambo was how I showed him. He wasn’t shy about letting me know – He told me.  Sometimes during those rare date nights, he’d tell me nicely while other times he would yell it because he felt so frustrated.  In those times of yelling, I’d think, “well damn, I didn’t know it was that serious”.  Yup! It was and it still is.

Enough with Excuses

If it wasn’t that I was tired, it was because I was mad. If it wasn’t because I was mad, it was because I didn’t feel sexy. Remember when I said I had body image issues? I have them as many women do. After kids, my body changed and it wasn’t what it once was. Sure, I felt for all of those reasons validated for not giving it up but can you imagine how he felt?! Not good… rejected, frustrated and annoyed. But then, of course, I’d get mad that he was mad: The vicious cycle.

 

Something had to give… Me I had to give…

Don’t ask me what made me turn the corner & have that lightbulb go off. It clicked that an effort had to be made in order to keep the flame burning and him yearning. I needed to share with him myself: my mind, my BODY, and my soul. It wasn’t easy but I learned that I had to make time for us. Cuddling time, snuggling time, and yes Nookie time! But this didn’t mean just while the kids watched TV or were entertained with play-doh. I had to reserve valuable night and day time for sessions of love sharing.

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Report to Booty Duty

 

Nowadays I make the conscious effort to submit to his yearnings more often than not. Don’t get me wrong, he still gets the side eye from time to time. But I acknowledge that my husband’s wants and needs have to be fulfilled. On the flip side, I know that my wants and needs have to be met as well. With both, work is needed and effort must be made. That man on the other side of my bed, while at times is capable of taking me to heights of anger I never thought possible, is the sexiest human in my eyes. He’s not perfect but the perfect man for me… We just fit!

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Tips for Her:

⁃       Buy the lingerie and wear it.

⁃       Make the first move & grab that package – Remind him it belongs to you!

⁃       I’m pretty sure no matter how you see yourself, you’re still sexy to him… Don’t stress it.

⁃       There won’t always be foreplay but make sure you BOTH get to the goal.

⁃       Sometimes even if you don’t want to, do it for him.

⁃       While it’s not the most important, keeping intimacy and sex at the forefront plays a huge part in a successful relationship. Don’t let it fall to the waist side!

⁃       Always have fun… Whether it be “quick” or not. Enjoy every second.

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Tips for Him:

⁃       Sometimes doing things (like picking up your dirty clothes without being asked) will score you a quickie.

⁃       Always make her feel sexy.

⁃       Try not to take it personally when she says no. As you were taught in school “try, try again”.

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Ciao, and get that nookie time in!

Lioness

8 thoughts on “The struggles of intimacy after children

  1. You guys are too cute. I absolutely love your relationship. Always happy faces on everyone. 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽 May the good Lord continue to bless your family and your unity. 🙏🏽🙏🏽

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  2. Great tips and insight on an issue that couples tend not to address and thereafter the connection between the two starts to unravel and lends to a disconnect…

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  3. I am absolutely IN LOVE with your blogs. I can’t express to you how much I appreciate your candidness and just your sheer honesty with REAL everyday struggles that couples face. Thank you so much for giving me confidence and assuring me that I am HUMAN!!!! This resonates with me on so many levels. I look forward to every pearl of wisdom that you have to drop on us!!!

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  4. I love your blogs. So honest and truthful! I’m not alone through these struggles in live. Thank you so much for the great tips! LOVE IT. Super mom!

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  5. Farida, this is the first time i read your blog and wow this one is amazing.. this is the main reason why marriage is hard.. this was our life last year with a 2 year old and new born twins- i barely remembered to brush my teeth at times.. but thankfully all that passes and hopefully everyone comes out stronger at the end.

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